Eight months ago I excitedly boarded a plane bound for Israel, to move across the world in order to share a life with my boyfriend. We had been dating long distance for about a year and a half meanwhile he lived in Afghanistan and then Israel. This was the next BIG step to see if we could actually live together and do the day in day out. I was SO excited to start this new chapter together and also for all the possibilities and adventures Israel had in store for us. Long story short, we realized it wasn't going the way we had hoped. More importantly we saw that our long term goals weren't meeting up and we weren't sure that they ever would. Not to mention, I could not legally work in Israel which left me feeling a little purposeless and stuck. I needed to do more with my life than I was capable of doing there. So with lots of tears and talks we decided it would be best for me to move back home.
I read the quote in the picture above soon after we made the decision and I keep coming back to it for its truth and inspiration. I do not know who wrote it, but whoever you are, Thank You. "Much of the pain in life comes from having a life plan that you've fallen in love with, and when it doesn't work out you become angry that you have to pursue a new life plan. If you want to tame you inner demons, you must not become too attached to any particular life plan, and remain open to there being an even better, happier life plan."
You could say I was madly in love with my previous life plan. I was holding on to that plan with fists so tight it took me a while to release my grip, open my hands and trust in the process. I slowly began to let go and detach myself from the idea of the life I had imagined. The life I was so sure to be my destiny. I boarded the plane one last time and flew home to explore what other better, happier life plans are in store for me.
I have been home just over a week and have gone through the full range of emotions from being super excited to reunite with all my friends and family, to totally distraught about what just happened and where I am headed now. Most notably I have been blown away by all the opportunity and kindness abounding all around me as I aim to approach life with open hands and an open heart.
My friends and family have poured out so much love and generosity in helping me pave my new path and get back on my feet. It has been really humbling to allow myself to receive help from friends and even mere acquaintances who are happy and willing to do what they can. I think this is a feeling we are not very accustomed to in our modern self-sufficient society. There is so much pride in being independent and able to manage life on your own. I used to pride myself in saying I was all of those things. So although I can not wait to get a job, a house, a vehicle and start rebuilding my life, the mental and emotional process is really healing and beautiful.
Last night, as I danced ecstatically with new friends, at a new place, I found myself loving the feeling of opening my hands, reaching my arms to the sky and down to the earth, to give and receive, hold and release, moving without care to whatever I was "supposed to be doing." It was a dance from my soul. I felt the flame of potential that burns inside all of us begin to grow and give me strength.
Although the past few months have been hard and I am just beginning to heal, I would not change a thing. I would still pack my bags, board that plane and pour all of my heart and soul into giving it my best shot. I think there are many paths in our lives that we go down and then for one reason or another decide or are even forced to diverge from. It does not mean they were wrong or bad; they played a part in making you who you are, teaching you something, developing understanding and knowledge that you may have not otherwise had. I've learned that no matter where you are in life you can not become complacent. You have to continually check in with yourself, meditate, pray or sit quietly and listen. Don't let life pass you by. Listen to the whisper in you back of your head, the bottom of your heart and the depths of your gut. And no matter what happens always remain present and open to there being an even better, happier life plan.